Cyber Truths By E-mail
6. A Woman Imprisoned (March 30, 2005)
Dear Friends,
Sue and I are just a few feet apart as we
work at our respective desks each day. One of the saddest parts
of this ministry for me is to hear her conversations on the
phone with married women whose husbands have no heart to follow
Jesus. These are the phone calls that cause us both to feel so
helpless.
We hadn't appreciated how important a
common accord of spirit between husband and wife was until our
research in Israel. Shortly after we committed our lives to
Christ in 1977, our Lord showed Sue and me His way of
establishing His truth for us so that we would both have the
same conviction to the same truths. Along the way we were
taught the importance of establishing halakhahs for our lives.
Through looking into the Word and discussing it, we found that
the Holy Spirit caused us both to embrace His way of life for
us with equal commitment.
The halakhic method was reinforced during
our research in Israel as God's way for a husband to
"cleanse his wife by the washing with water through the
word" (Ephesians 5:26). (See our book, Christian Halakhahs
for more on applying God's Word through halakhahs.)
As we've written in a previous newsletter,
Nicolaitanism permits men to outsource their wives (and
children), spiritually neglecting them for others to teach.
This abdication of a husband's full responsibility to God for
his family is the #1 contributor to why families in Nicolaitan
systems have little regard for righteousness, with the same
moral depravity as those who don't claim to be
"Christian".
Women, make an appeal that your Father will
honor!
We have anguished in prayer for years
concerning how we can help wives who walk as though they are
imprisoned by husbands whose path is heading for hell. During
our prayer walk to our favorite heron rookery this past Sunday,
the Lord gave me some guidance for you women whose husbands are
self-satisfied and spiritually complacent, with little or no
devotion to all that our God requires of them.
The Holy Spirit reminded me of Daniel,
Shedrach, Meshach, and Abednego. We wrote about them in this
most recent Lifebyte, Book of Daniel (Part 1). The solution the
Lord gave me was for imprisoned wives to make an appeal that
will stir God to get involved.
Appeals, as you will see in the Lifebyte,
Book of Daniel (Part 1), require a heart of perfect deference
toward the authority of your husband. The four young men had
such hearts of deference, and God used them to affect a, entire
heathen empire. And Jesus walked in deference toward His
heavenly Father. The Centurion who approached Jesus about
healing his sick servant also had this deference (Matthew 8:
5-12). Jesus, in fact, commended him: “I tell you the
truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great
trust" (8:10).
Ladies, the kind of appeals that our Father
honors requires that you have a completely clean conscience,
especially toward your husband. We'd like to give you some
ideas to consider if you make an appeal to your husband to
follow our Lord wholeheartedly and apply His way of life for
your family with greater earnestness:
Conquer your own innate tendencies.
You need to understand your own heart's
fleshly motivation, and what you as a woman have inherited from
the Fall. This isn't a put down! Paul reminds us, "But I
am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s
cunning..." (2 Corinthians 11:3). Don't bristle! Eve gave
this same excuse to God for her sin, “The serpent
deceived me, and I ate” (Genesis 3:13).
The grievousness of Eve's sin wasn't about
eating the fruit. Rather, it was what the fruit represented:
“For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be
opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and
evil” (Genesis 3:5). Her disobedience would enable
her to be like God in recognizing evil (an unknown concept to
her up until that time!) as well as good. Because of this
desire for power God had not given her — the same craving
Satan had which had gotten him cast out from heaven — the
Lord cursed all women with the desire to usurp their husband's
authority. (See Genesis 3:16). Our Lord knew that only the
sanctification of Jesus in the heart of women can undo this
motivation.
This is very vital for you to understand.
The sanctification of a woman removes her yearning to rule,
control, and manipulate. It is the most crucial facet of her
transformation process into Christ-likeness!
Before you even consider an appeal to your
husband, you need to scrutinize your heart. Is there agape love
or self-empowering control in your motivation? You may remember
from our survey of women at our retreat center: Over 93% of the
women picked control rather than love when asked which they
would choose in dealing with their family. They envisioned
particular outcomes and were determined to see that they were
achieved!
Over the years as we've ministered to
numerous men and women both married and single, we've observed
a key difference between the genders as to the types of sin
they commit. The passage of Scripture that continually comes to
mind is, "The sins of some people are obvious and go ahead
of them to judgment, but the sins of others follow
afterwards" (1Timothy 5:24).
Men's sins, in general, are overt. Usually
they aren't hidden but can be seen by those around them. A
man's sins are often seen through his actions. On the other
hand, the sins of women are more attitudinal. This is why it's
so much harder for many women to confront their own sin.
Control and love can look the same on the surface, but the
fruit each motivation produces in a family is entirely
different. Control produces apprehension in a husband and in
the children, and causes a manipulative spirit to prevail in
the family's interactions. Love produces humility and
servanthood, resulting in a peaceful home void of apprehension.
Ask some older women who follow Jesus with
loving hearts to check you for your motivation. If this isn't
possible, then fall upon the Holy Spirit for the scrutiny of
motive you require.
To Make an Appeal Is To Confront Your
Husband In Love
If you've read our book, Growing
Relationships Through Confrontation, then you know that
sometimes we must confront others for our own sake of
well-being. We support others for their sake, but we confront
them for our sake. We confront with the goal to remove anything
that hinders our relationship.
When we are forced into a decision of
conscience because their behavior or actions is driving us
further from them, we must confront them. We realize this is
difficult for you. But we want to remind you of how a man is
changed: (1). by role models he esteems; and, (2). by being
confronted. A man is never changed by education. Education only
increases his knowledge. This is why Bible studies and Sunday
schools are so ineffective in producing men who boldly follow
Jesus and fulfill their full responsibility to Him.
A woman is changed by: (1). role models she
esteems; (2). by education (she's willing to put into practice
what she hears or reads); and (3). somewhat by confrontation
(although her emotions may block the content of the
confrontation). We fully realize that we are encouraging you to
use a method with your husband that most likely wouldn't work
well to move you to change. But so much is at stake, including
his eternal destiny, and possibly that of your children. And,
you are the wife God has called to live in union with him as
his helper. If you don't confront him through appeal, who will?
When you confront someone in authority over
you, you must approach him in the form of an appeal. This is
made easier if you have developed the three character qualities
that Daniel, Shedrach, Meshach, and Abednego displayed. These
character qualities caused our Lord to involve Himself with
their situation. The three are personal responsibility,
deference, and God-dependence. Again, you may want to read the
Lifebyte, Book of Daniel (Part 1), to understand these
character qualities more fully.
First, you have a personal responsibility
to our Lord concerning the truths you know to be true. As with
the four men in Babylon, they could not violate God's Word even
if it meant their own lives. You need to be certain that the
truth you are going to appeal to your husband about is
something that your conscience cannot violate. In other words,
as with the four men, your participation would be sin if you
did it. This is the critical foundation for your appeal. Your
fellowship with your Father is at stake if you do not confront!
Second, your approach must be in total
deference to your husband's authority. Your deference is
intimately connected to your God-dependence. Because of the
Holy Spirit in you, you don't want any control over the
outcome! You know that our Lord sees the nature of your heart,
and that you refuse to sin. Whether your husband even listens
or changes is not in your hands. If you have an outcome in
mind, that is, to "get him to change", you will use
manipulation to get your way. Your control and manipulation
will prove disastrous!
We've written in newsletters and articles
about the four types of biblical fool a person can be (See
Restoring the Early Church, Chapter 3, A Hebraic Perspective:
The Foundational Thinking of the Early Church.)
1. Simple fool (peti)
Found in Proverbs 1:4, 22 and elsewhere,
this denotes an ignorant or immature person who is vulnerable
to error but still teachable. All of us should remain simple
and teachable throughout our pilgrimage to salvation. The peti
who is willing to seek help should be welcomed when he sees his
own need for correction and is willing to learn and apply
wisdom to a certain area of his life.
If your husband is a Simple Fool, praise
God! The appeal will be that much easier. And, the fruit it
produces in both your lives will only add to our Father's
glory. Even Nebuchadnezzar's servant was teachable enough to
hear Daniel and the three men's appeal and to change his
thinking.
If your husband is any of the three types
of fool below, he is already in trouble with God. The leaders
of the earliest Church would have turned such men over to Satan
for the destruction of their sin nature, as Paul advised:
"...hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature
may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the
Lord" (1 Corinthians 5:5). Satan is God's last instrument
of mercy for a person who refuses to listen to human
intervention.
Still, if your husband is one of the three
types of fool below, you must make your appeal to him no matter
what type of heart he has. God will take over after that. Your
prayer and fasting both before and after your appeal hold great
merit and will guard your heart from becoming impatient and
manipulative.
2. Hardened fool (kesil)
This fool is stubbornly set in his ways:
“As a dog returns to its vomit, so a kesil repeats his
folly” (Proverbs 26:11). He so enjoys his evil ways that
intervention by a elder, or an appeal by his wife, will
probably prove futile. (See 1:22, 18:2, 6.) The ewil, similar
to the kesil in his moral deficiency, adds insolence and anger
to his unwillingness to change (see Proverbs 29:9). He'll
probably respond with quarreling and wrath if you try to
correct him. (See 12:15; 14:9.29; 20:3; 27:22.)
3. Mocking fool (letz)
Described in Proverbs 21:24: “The
proud and arrogant man — 'Mocker' is his name; he behaves
with overweening pride.” This fool disrupts the
discussions of righteous men and women and heckles people of
wisdom, including his wife and her walk of faith. He delights
in stirring up controversies and sets himself up as an
authority on every subject (see 29:8; 22:10; also Ps. 1:1). His
arrogant pride keeps him from admitting his need for correction
(9:7,8). No elder or wife can help such a man change until he
is brought up short by encounters and circumstances God sends
his way.
4. God-denying
fool (nabal)
This fool denies that God has an influence
in his life: “The fool says in his heart, ‘There is
no God’” (Psalms 14:1). His disdain for holiness
and obedience to God closes off any opportunity for an elder or
wife to confront or correct him effectively. Disregarding the
God of the Bible, the nabal creates for himself his own version
of god — an unintrusive, all-accepting blasphemy of the
One True God.
You must remember that you have no control
over the nature of your husband's heart. But you cannot violate
your conscience and entertain sin because of him. You must
confront him through appeal. This is not rebellious, but is
your responsibility before your Lord as this man's covenant
partner.
In 1 Samuel 25 we are told about Abigail,
who was married to the God-denying fool, Nabal. Through her
actions she showed personal responsibility, deference, and
God-dependence. As a result of his hardness of heart, Nabal
died, and Abigail was wed to King David. The idolatry of a
nabal leaves no room for God in his life. Oh, he may be
religious, but a religion of his own making. Woman, if you have
a husband like this (and we've met them!), you have our deepest
sympathies.If you make an appeal, and your husband is a Simple
Fool, he will appreciate what you did. Together, through
humility and discussing God's Word, you can both follow the
path of obedience to God's Word together with the same
commitment. We've heard joyful testimonies from women of wisdom
who have walked this path of appeal and found new and deeper
unity with their husbands!
If your husband is any one of the other
fools — hardened, mocking, or God-denying — and
refuses to listen, we encourage to you take the matter to a
leader in your faith community. Why? Your husband's
unconfronted sins may be hindering your prayers from being
answered.
If you are in a fellowship of homes based
on communal righteousness, we encourage you to take the matter
to the men who are eldering the group. If you have none, then
make your appeal to two men who head families. The confirmation
of two or three is God's means to confirm all matters.
For you are in a Nicolaitan system, we
realize that few leaders in this system will help you. But your
due process will further stir God to involve Himself because of
your clear conscience before Him. His character doesn't change!
What He did for Daniel, Shedrach, Meshach and Abendego, He is
still doing for those who walk in the same character qualities.
We hope this process will bring hope to the
many of you who are imprisoned by sinful, unconfronted
husbands.
Caring in Jesus for your pain,
Mike & Sue Dowgiewicz
