Cyber Truths By E-mail
Many of you will have family or special
guests in your home for the holidays. It's been our experience
as we've heard from so many over the years that, along with the
nostalgia of the season, there is also considerable
apprehension when certain family members and guests get
together.
Please see the last three pages for two tools that
can help you clear up interpersonal tension!
The first has to do with time
accountability. So many who call themselves Christians fail to
be godly stewards of their time. How we use our time is a
direct reflection of how intense and purposeful our
relationship with Jesus is. We’ve so often observed that
people who handle their time poorly are habitually beset by
sin, grumble frequently, or even question their faith. They
live as if time is their own to use, rather than regarding
their time as the opportunity to represent Jesus in the flesh
to the world around them.
If you have one of these people in for the
holidays, they tend to darken the atmosphere. They don't find a
lot of joy in their relationship with Jesus, nor have they
grateful testimony of serving Jesus by serving others.
The second tool is one we learned from
Lyman Coleman at a Serendipity workshop in 1973. It helps
family members clear up interpersonal problems they may have
with each other. Rather than having us describe it, just
download the attachment.
Some suggestions for a Christ-like outcome
as you use this tool (from our book, Growing Relationships Through Confrontation):
Remember that your genuine care for others
calls for you to give the one with whom you may differ the
right to his own stance or perspective. Think of the emphasis
our Lord placed on treating others as you want to be treated:
“So in everything, do to others what you would have them
do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets”
(Matthew 7:12). Support brings encouragement to the other
person, while confrontation allows you to express a stance or
position that differs from that of the other person.
Interpersonal tensions are normally founded
on one or more of four areas of difference:
• goals The purpose of your relationship; answers
the question of “where” the relationship is going.
• methods The manner and practice by which aspects of
your relationship are carried out; answers the question of
“how” the relationship should function.
• values The significant elements esteemed by the
partners in the relationship; answers the question of
“why” you think and/or act as you do.
• facts Circumstances of certainty which can be
proven by investigation; answers the question of
“what” is facing the relationship.
In any interpersonal difference, you should
always take the time to confirm the area(s) of your
disagreement or misunderstanding. If you can identify the
differences you have and the basis for them, a resolution is
then at least possible.
Identifying the area(s) of difference is
like getting all the cards dealt before you begin the game. Too
often people attempt resolutions but skip the step of
identifying their differences. They then fail to grasp what
they're trying to resolve, which results in the same
difference(s) arising again later.
SUPPORT (Done on their behalf)
• Support encourages
the other person.
• The other person’s anxiety,
fear, doubt.
• The right for him or her to feel or
think differently.
• The reality of his or her
perceptions.
• Pray together for wisdom and truth.
• Let the other person speak his or
her case.
• Listen! Listen! Listen!
• Restate back what he or she is
saying.
• Verbalize his or her feelings.
• Ask for his or her preferred
solution.
• Don’t rush in too quickly with
solutions.
• Don’t tell him how he
shouldn’t feel.
• Don’t cut him or her off too
soon.
• Don’t judge his perception
— describe instead what you're hearing.
• Don’t give unsolicited advice
that is irrelevant to thepresent issue.
CONFRONT (Done on your behalf)
• Confronting encourages you (and
that’s good!).
• Problems that are not being solved.
• Differences that hamper the
relationship.
• Sins, attitudes, behaviors that are
detrimental.
• Treat issue as a situation you both
need to solve.
• Acknowledge the other person’s
position.
• State your differences clearly and
succinctly.
• Check to see if you are being
understood.
• Be responsible for your own
feelings.
• Fully explore the differences.
• Don’t attack his or her
character or imply motives.
• Don’t railroad your own
solution, even if you are in aposition to do that.
• Don’t problem-solve until you
have both discussed the issues to one another’s
satisfaction.
To Support and Confront Someone is a Simple
Concept...
DIFFICULT TO DO CONSISTENTLY WITHOUT LOVING
AWARENESS,
PATIENT PRACTICE, AND FERVENT PRAYER
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What Is Your Dinner Table Like?
Would Jesus feel comfortable sitting with
your family?
At a Serendipity Seminar in 1973, we were
asked to draw our dining room table as we remembered it at age
12. Then we were asked to draw lines
of communication to and from each
person at the table. Arrows indicated who talked. Two-way green arrows indicated positive communication with each other. Red arrows indicated
arguments, criticism, or a person who dominated conversations. Absence of arrows indicated
silence. (Below is Mike’s table at age 12 as an example.)
We’ve used this tool with thousands
of people on retreats. Families have been helped greatly as
each person drew their own
perception of their dinner table. We
encourage you to try this! After everyone has drawn their
table, discuss each drawing, respecting their views as they
share. If you do this candidly without accusation, you’ll
bless each other!
Another example: When
our son, Mike, was 12, we were living at a church retreat
center. I
asked a
men’s retreat to draw their dining room table when
they were 12, and then as adults. After we discussed the
tables,
one of the men asked our son to draw our table. Below is what he drew. I remember
his words: “My Dad likes to have everyone talk and share.
It’s a happy time!”
Rendering Account To God For Your Time
Few of us think much about a particular
important responsibility we have before God: to render account
to Him for our use of the time He daily gives each of us. We are commanded:
“Be very careful, then, how you
live—not as unwise but as wise,
making the most of every opportunity,
because the days are evil” (Ephesians 5:15,16).
“And whatever you do, whether in
word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through
him” (Colossians 3:17).
Time is more than a passage of minutes and
hours. How we use our time is a direct reflection of how intense and
purposeful our relationship with Jesus is. We’ve so often observed that people who handle
their time poorly are habitually beset by sin, grumble
frequently, or even question their faith. They live as if time
is their own to use, rather than regarding their time as the
opportunity to represent Jesus in the flesh to the world around
them.
Instructions for Filling In Your Week’s Use of Time Chart
This is great to do with others! On the
next page is a chart by which you’ll be able to examine a
"typical week" in your life. At first, the
instructions may seem complicated. But as you fill in the
spaces, you’ll begin to evaluate your life with a greater
degree of objectivity. (BE SURE TO USE A PENCIL AS YOU
FILL IN THE SHEET!
1. Begin by blocking off periods of time in
each day when you know that you are normally involved with a
specific activity, i.e., midnight-6AM: sleep. Other blocks of time might
be: work, caring for your children, shopping, etc. If you must
travel as part of a block of time, include the travel time to
and from as part of that time slot.
2. After you’ve
blocked out your week, go back over each block of time coding each
block
with either the code ND or D.
CODE & DEFINITION
ND Non-discretionary
time is that portion of your day
that has to take place. Include time for sleep,
care for children, work, cooking, Sunday worship, etc.
D Discretionary time is
that portion of your day when you have a chance to choose what you want to do. Included in this time could be reading,
watching TV, taking a walk, Bible study, sports,
etc.
Next: after the code D, go back and write in one of the following codes:
BO Bless Others time is
when you choose to do something that directly blesses others. Included in this time might be intercessory
prayer, calling somone to encourage them, visiting
widows, volunteering in someway to help others, etc.
BM Bless Me time is when
you choose to do something that is solely
for yourself.
Included in this time might be a walk, watching TV,
reading, etc.
