Restoration Ministries International
Restoring the Hebraic Foundations of the Earliest
Church
Preparing the Family of Jesus to Be Light in Darkness
Cyber Truths By E-mail
19. Replacing Apprehension With Love (December 22, 2005)
Dear Friends,
Right after the holidays each year a lot of
phone calls or e-mails get sent by people who bad mouth the
very ones they spent the holiday with. This shouldn't be!
One of the features we have observed after
the holidays is the rise in slander among Christians. It begins
when relatives or friends, who have ongoing apprehension with
each other, get together over the holidays. They do the
“holiday event” with smiles, but afterward the
holidays the slander and gossip begins. Sound familiar? It is
all too familiar for many Christian families. It's as if they
spend a Christmas without Christ. Sounds ludicrous, doesn't it?
The reason for the slander and gossip is
that so many live with unresolved apprehension concerning
certain family members and friends. In our book, Growing
Relationships Through Confrontation, we write about
co-dependency.
Co-dependency looks like a set of gears in
motion (see below).
It begins with the driving gear, the
Dominant Person. They are the person whom others have to avoid
or tiptoe around. The behaviors of the Dominant Person control
others, but no one wants to confront them.
People who have an underlying apprehension
or fear when they know they have to interact with a dominant
person are the Co-dependents. They don’t want anything
said or done that may set off the dominant individual. They
convince the others involved to stifle their input too. These
Significant Others who could help in a productive way fail to
step in and speak up.
Often, the co-dependent person is so
desperate to avoid confrontation with the dominant individual
that he or she actively discourages admonishment by the
Significant Others. The longer that discomfort and avoidance
are practiced, the more deeply entrenched fear and
non-confrontation become. In families and close relationships,
two possible responses are likely:
• Others will be entrapped in the
co-dependent relationship,
or
• They will be forced to flee the
relationship in order to maintain their own identity, respect,
and values.
Co-dependent relationships look like gears
meshed together.
If any of the people who are gathering with
you this holiday season have apprehesnion about each other,
then you have co-dependency. We have never seen co-dependency
without the influence of strongholds. But, even with the
strongholds demolished, the ruts of behavior still need to be
confronted.
Let's review this one more time: The motion
of the gears is driven by the dominant person’s
unconfronted behavior, ideas, or opinions. If you are the
co-dependent person, you fear the emotional tension brought
about by confrontation. You may withdraw and isolate yourself
in an emotional prison. Or, you may even offer excuses and go
as far as defending the dominant person’s behavior.
Affected by your fear and denial are the significant others,
children or close acquaintances who are in close relationship
with you. They may want to confront or admonish the one who is
controlling everyone else, but they are also fearful of the
emotions the confrontation may generate. And if they care
deeply about you, they may excuse your defensive actions as a
co-dependent person.
Good News of Great Joy!!!
See next page for a tool you can use with
those who are coming for the holidays. Actually, you can use it
anytime apprehension with others is present. We trust it will
be a blessing, and that you and those who gather with you will
experience Jesus in your time together.
Your servants,
Mike & Sue Dowgiewicz
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Replace Apprehension With The Fullness Of
Jesus
Make copies of this sheet for each person
you’d like to help escape apprehension and co-dependency.
After everyone has a copy, review the nature of each character
(below) who is involved in the apprehensive relationship. Then
ask everyone to fill in the names on the gear they believe each
person represents.
In order to discuss everyone’s input
in a healthy way, designate a moderator who will give everyone
a chance to give speak without fear of verbal attack. One of
the significant others is a good choice. If you’re the moderator,
make sure everyone is fully heard. Allow no rebuttals until a
person has finished speaking and you give permission for
someone else to speak. Remember, the goal of this exercise is
to bring the fullness of Jesus into your relationship.
The Cast of Characters
Dominant Person.
The one whom others have to avoid or tiptoe around.
Co-dependent Person. The one who fears the emotional tension brought about
by confronting the Dominant person. Withdraws and isolates
himself in an emotional prison. May even offer excuses for the
Dominant person and defend his controlling behavior.
Significant Others. Children or close acquaintances whom the Co-dependent
person prevents from confronting the Dominant individual. They
may want to
confront or admonish the one who is
controlling everyone else, but they too may fear the emotions
that confrontation may generate.
 |
In order to stop the gears from turning,
everyone involved must confront the reality
of the situation, confess their part in it,
repent before God, and look for God’s ways
to relate righteously to each other.